Engage me to her presence! Let me be!
If you saw what I saw and heard what I heard, would you be able to hold back your heart. I am standing on the edge of a mountain top. Listen to me. All my years of reservations are at the brink of falling apart. My heart and my soul have left me. How can I go against the tide of my own emotions? How can I keep what I have already lost?
Just seeing her smile would make you smile. But for her laughter, no other sound could move my heart. What a marvel! Is there a sweeter sight? Is there a sweeter sound? I could travel to the ends of the world, and then travel further beyond, yet I would not find. No Rose of Sharon could compare, nor Song of Bocelli. The Himalayas would bow in reverence, the nightingale would flee in shame. Then what of me? How could anyone command me, "Johnston, be still"? I would not! And I could not!
There is so much I could say, but so little I could put in words.
"Somehow I've fallen under your spell,
but somehow I'm feeling it's up that I fell."
(As long as you're mine - Wicked OST)
Father, you are beautiful beyond description. Peace sits at Your left hand, and joy at Your right. Happy are those who reside in Your presence. Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere.
Your ways and Your works amaze me without cease. My mind is small and my vision is narrow. But, Lord my God, You see all things, now and forevermore. Glory be to the Lord who provides for His people. Glory be to the Lord who loves His children.
Father, I thank You for Your Word. Your Word sustains me. It fills with my endless delight and song. Immersed in it, I draw closer to you. Without it, I am a wreck, without direction.
I thank You, Father, that each time I set my eyes in the right direction, You are already there waiting for me. I am slow to understand, and prone to failure. Lord, please be patient with me. My flesh is weak, but so is my will. Father, renew me.
Johnston
Have your emotions been scalded? Are you numb to touch? Can you not see the falling petals? Can you not smell the scent of flowers? Can you not hear the crying of the young ones, and the wailing of the old? Are you blind to beauty and disdain?
Yes, I cannot understand these things. I feel as if there was a shard of glass within my head. It dulls my mind's eye. It bothers with my thinking. I no longer know what is before me. I can see no further than an arm's reach. It has been too long since I last looked. Too long since I last thought. Too long since I bothered.
I walk in the shadow of the woods. I hear not the singing of the birds. The roses have no colour, the dew does not sparkle. The river are still, its creatures lifeless. They return my gaze with hollow eyes, my words with screeching silence.
I was found with my palms before my eyes, and my ears covered in despair.
One day, I will speak to the earth once more, and hear its whispers. I will see and understand.
Notsnhoj
Do you know that feeling? When your chest becomes so heavy you cannot breathe. Your jaw tightens until it hurts. Your hands tremble. Your heart stops beating, and your blood thickens to the point where it does not flow. Then, the moment lingers on, and on. Have you ever had that feeling before?
A situation of bleakness. Where all is lost and hope is placed on lost things. Where all that was familiar dissolves, and all that was unfamiliar is valued. Blind eyes and deaf ears become natural symptoms, and nothing makes any sense. Silence is kind, and lies blessed. The beholder of truth is a delusion to himself. Colours pale and scents fade, all beauty is disdained. There are senseless cries. Pleas of despair. Yet, it lingers on, and on.
And then it spreads. A shivering voice from a quivering lip. Gloom becomes the air of breath. A helpless word becomes the foundation of two. The hope that was placed on lost things is lost. The sky is too dark, the air too heavy. There is panic, not of a single soul but of many. A shout complicates matters, deceptive images are aplenty. A friend turns an enemy, an enemy turns a friend. There is no understanding, for what is there to discern? All are shreds. Our reason. Our humanity. Madness abounds. There is blood, and the ending of life. Yet, help does not come.
That feeling. A heavy chest, a tight jaw, shivering hands, blood slowing till it no longer flows. It lingers on, and on.
Notsnhoj
How pure His cleansing blood, that make us white as snow. There is need for my flesh to be restored and to be made whole. This flesh that has been consumed by sinful nature. Charred and tainted, rendered foul and useless. How fickle are the minds of mortal men, that we cannot keep our faith. How cheap is our word, that it can vanish in a moment's instant. Like deranged sheep, we constantly stray from the path.
There is joy being in His arms. There is peace being under His wings. We know it. It is life to live with Him. And death to live otherwise. We know it.
Johnston
The clouds go by
In disarray.
A lonely mind
In troubles parts.
The world turns still
In solitude.
I sing the song
Of a bleeding heart.
I fell for an gem, so bright and fair.
It shone in the night, in moonlight glared.
Its voice was soft, it took me whole.
Its song so sweet, enraptured my soul.
I placed my heart in a foreign hand.
How could I quell my feelings' tide?
My heart, my soul, was taken whole.
How could I turn myself aside?
Though hope was high, and life seemed fine.
My heart was torn from that foreign hand.
For I was to see her walk away.
To take the arms of another man.
What coloured scarf hangs not on its paired coat?
What finished diamond on murky waters float?
What mare of wings to the world can convince?
What princess walks the streets without her prince?
I must have been blind,
For I had not seen.
How those arms entwined,
In hers had been.
What fair use to climb to the peak.
The rose had already been picked.
The clouds went by
In disarray.
This lonely mind
Now troubled parts.
The world turned still
In solitude.
Can you hear the song
Of a bleeding heart.
Notsnhoj
I am getting sick of these nights. They are cold and lonesome. It has been awhile since I have spoken. The hinges of my jaw have turned rusty. I would think it hard for any man to try pry a gap between my lips. The air grows stale within. For the first time, I wake alone. I wash up alone. I walk to school alone. I sit alone. I learn alone. I study alone. I go home alone. I stay at home alone. I cook alone. I eat alone. I wash up alone. I sleep alone.
My life is routine, carried out and accomplished alone. How I wish for a neighbour. Then, the darkness would not be so cold and lonesome. I am tired.
Yet I wait for the better tomorrow. The better tomorrow that will come.
Johnston
I am entitled to a small portion of the sky from my study chair. Zeus must be panting hard, for the clouds are racing by. Like a screensaver, they come in from the left, and then they are gone. Yet, that is all the movement that my eyes are entitled to. The brick walls outside are still. The branch hanging over is still. My room is still. The air in stale. Somehow, I feel as though this hollow world is caving in on me.
I sit here, indulging in the texts of laws and monetary sciences. I wish the world would move. Then, I would not feel so stale inside. The days are wearisome.
But there is hope beyond. I can wait.
Johnston
The double year has passed and I have awoken from my slumber. My dreams of my sovereign nation are over and I have been painfully thrown back into the world of reality. A world where its minions, by their thousands, scurry around maintaining the perfect balance forged and acquired over time.
I have found myself wrenched from my former seat. Gagged and bound, the next time I saw the light, I saw a different surrounding. No longer can I touch the cleansing waters birthed of science, nor feel the stones veining with fond warmth. The waters and stones of my motherland. Though my new life is one that I knew, it is lonesome and distant. The unfamiliarity of familiarity. The comfort of a home, the joy of my peers, the love of a family. These are the three wonders of life that no pyramid can surmount.
I have returned to this land of bleakness, where the buildings are grey, the night dark and the day quieter. No song can speak my anguish, no cry my solitude. I left my heart in ancient time, the now, I live without it. Life was greater, now it is meek. Let me now be earth's minion, holding it up on pillars made of books and lack.
Notsnhoj
"Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. As a dream comes when there are many cares, so the speech of a fool when there are many words."
Flamboyant eloquence is of no regard when we approach the Lord in prayer, especially when the heart is not right. When we pray, we must pray with a sincere heart, constantly seeking His will. We are meek and lowly, constantly covered in sin. Our God is the Lord of Lords, when we speak to Him, we must know we are speaking to a King. When we pray, we must be aware of our humble positions before Him, for His throne is great and His glory boundless. When we speak to God, who are we truly speaking to? Are we placing Him in His rightful position as our Lord and Master? Or are we simply throwing our wish list on some unseen random? Who are we truly speaking to? Let our words be spoken with the right heart, and spoken to the right King.
Johnston
The rise of global warming is the bane of the poor. The poor who rely on Mother Nature. Them whose survival hangs on a thread, held up by her temperament. They fear her wrath. And they grieve when she grieves. They slave, yet their happiness can be taken away by a single storm. They work, yet they weep when the sun does not shine. They try, yet the dark clouds above mirror their gloom. A hard-working man of poverty. Yet today, I am speaking of another man of poverty. The ones whose work is unseen. The ones whose efforts are unheard of. The ones who sit when others are standing. The disobedient flock of sluggards. They do not work, and yet they want the rewards of work.
They look to the wealthy, wishing to claim their share of the prosperity. Or so they claim. But I now declare, that they have already taken their share of the prosperity, though it is a small share. For that is their share of life. Am I saying that they deserve less? Am I saying that the rich deserve more? No. It is not that they deserve a different share, but that is simply their portion. Handouts. A word instilled into the minds on many foolish men. They see the silverware on another man's table, and wish to take it for their own. They lift it off the tables carved of the finest oaks, and place it into the ashes. These are such foolish acts, yet these fools constantly find reasons to do so.
People say that the rich are getting richer, while the poor are getting poorer. Yet it has always been the same. Nothing has changed. The rich are still rich. And the poor are still poor. It is always the same. Nothing changes. Tomorrow, next month, or ten years down, nothing would have changed. Each man, sitting in his proper place. Should we change their places? To be fair? Do we ease the burden of the poor by giving them a chunk of the rich man's due? Do we take what he worked for, to let the poor man can live in a mansion and dine with crystal finery? The poor are always crying out for more.
Does the poor man do the work of the rich? Can he accomplish the works of lords and masters? He cannot. He does not know how to work the computer. Nor can he add the sums. He cannot understand the law. Nor draw a plan for a nation. His hands are hands that are caked in mud. And that is his occupation. Do you say, "I was denied the chance to be educated. But I could have done the same had I been. Life dictated otherwise." So shall I raise you high? So shall I let you touch the stars. On that basis, shall I give you what is given to the rich? Simply because of life's disdain for you. Then I say, "Does the poor man do the work of the rich?" No. Then I cannot give you what they are given. Then I cannot raise you high. Each man gets as his work dictates. If you measure gold, then gold shall be your payment. If you dig dirt, then dirt shall be your payment. If life dictates, then it shall be so. Life is always unfair, when we judge by man's standards. Be content with your lot.
The genes of poverty are often passed down to offspring. So if a man starves, so shall his spawn. Though there are times of change, for life is based on random factors. So a poor man can rise high and a rich man can fall to his knees. A poor man who read the books can change his fate. A rich man who sloths can change his fate. So I say, study! Work! Earn your keep. And do not set your eyes on what is another man's. If you have a desire, work toward it. But if it is out of reach, then it is out of reach. Do not seek to acquire what is on someone else's plot of land.
All in all, we all have different births. And we make it to different places in life. Difference is not equality. Therefore, life is not equal and we should not demand equality. Why should we moan that the man above us has a larger pantry? We are where we are, and many times, because we deserve it. Why demand the fruits of another man's labour? Live your life as it is. Be content with your lot.
Notsnhoj
In life, do your job. If your job is to hunt, then hunt. If your job is to farm, then farm. If your job is to lead, then lead. Well, seems easy enough. But what if we tweaked it a little and said, if your job is to do as you're told, then do as you're told.
Why can't you do as you're told? If that is our position in life, then that is our position in life. Why resist the natural order of things? What gain can one achieve by swimming against the current? The greener fields are down below. Why fight against fate, at the cost of your soul? If our job is to be obedient, then be obedient. Our jobs are blessings. They are stepping stones toward the life after. In short, they are within life itself, each stone being placed there by our Creator.
Each man should follow the path set before him. Step on one stone at a time, then move on to the next. Never try hopping off the path onto a stone belonging to another. Why hate your path? Is your wisdom wise? The foundation under every man's road is His wisdom. His choice is what is best for you. Why hop onto another man's stone? The grass is always greener on the other side. You'll soon find that stone not to your liking.
Stay content with what you have. Why martyr yourself in a reckless bid to influence humanity? Is your way best? No one will thank you. They will clap their hands and look away for the next show. Why try to change the world? Is your way best? No one will remember you. They will pen down your name in the books but not in their hearts. No one cares. Leave things as they are. Let it be as it is. If you are put in a box, stay in the box until you are taken out. That is the way life is, and should be.
Besides, we cannot all live the same life. If we climb up, it is on the head of another. In coming out of oppression, we oppress others. We cannot all be kings. And thus, in this, I'd rather take only what I'm given by Him, staying in my proper place.It is not about where you are in life or what you have to do, but how you go about doing it. Whether you fulfill the responsibilities awarded to you. Whether your duties are accomplished as they should be. And whether amidst all these, we shine the Light as we should. That is what matters. That is all that matters. It is all about how we go about living life, rather than what kind of life we have.
At the end of all things, it is the same. In life, do your job.
Notsnhoj
I once had riches, holding articles others sought to gain. I once had a fame, walking neither height nor ground where my existence was non-existent. I once had mentors of great renown, acquiring a wealth of knowledge that drew envy. I once had many a thing. Yet what I had, others had too, and more. Electronic devices, jewelry and precious stones, carvings of the greater woods, designer clothing, vintage and sport cars.
We may hoard many things in life. Yet all things will come to pass. In time, circuits will fail us, silver will lose its shine, the oaks will come asunder, moths will feed on Prada and Ralph Lauren, Lamborghini plate-works will rust. Nothing lasts forever.
I may hold items of great value and beauty. Yet these are all temporal. Let all of my treasures flow out of the chest, let them all slip through my hands. For there is only one thing whose value is eternal. It does not dull with time. It is the one thing that I desire. A relationship with the Almighty God.
I live my life on that foundation. All things will come to pass, for nothing lasts forever. Every golden artifact will be lost, every success will be taken away. Time will place its hand on all life and all of life's possessions. Every statue's face will misshapen, every name will be forgotten.
Let me not hoard riches for mine keepsake. If I am given a coin, it is not mine, but merely having been placed upon my palm. All that I hold, I have not earned. For what I have taken, can be taken away. And so too, what is given. In taking, we are doing wrong, it would not in accordance with His purpose. For we should wait for God's timing, and receive with thanksgiving whatever He has given. Taking we should never commit, yet receiving has to be done in the right manner. Whatever we receive, we know in our hearts that we did not earn. Whatever we did not earn, we did not deserve. Yet all good things are from Him Above, so everything we have, we have received. I did not pick up the coin. It was placed onto my hand. Everything good I shall use for the furtherance of His kingdom.
Let me not pursue success blindly. I have made claims, and I mean to abide by them. I live my life centered around His purpose. If I had found success, it would be because He saw fit that it should be so, and that it would further serve His purpose. Wherever I stand, whatever the ground my feet walk upon, firm or loose, good or bad, it would be part of His plan. If I wish for an eternal relationship for Him, I should dedicate all of me to Him. At this point of my life, this would include my academic pursuit. What a hypocrite I would be if I slogged for my personal comfort, for my future, for my eligibility for a spouse, or any other reason or cover. These are fine things to seek, and I believe it is fine to seek them. Yet if they are not given, they should not be taken. For to take, would require the abandonment of the relationship with Him. What greater hypocrite I would be if I claim to be His servant, yet stop doing His work in favour of other pursuits.
We cannot say that we will leave His service, for just a little while, so that we can pursue our studies true and clear. Besides, there are other things in life that we could put aside for a time. If someone chose such a choice, and all he did was study, then I would have nothing to say. Though I would still think that leaving His service at any time would be a disfavour to Him and also to ourselves. But most of us would be lying if we made such a choice. For we would put Him aside, and still continue running amok with our acquaintances, indulging in our hobbies, and pursuing relationships with the opposite gender. There are many things in life to put aside in troubled times before we even start to consider to put aside God.
There will always be things to pursue in life. These things will never cease intruding into our lives. To say that the current pursuit, would be our very last, would be saying a lie. For these are two opposite paths, His chosen path and the path of the world. To walk down one way is to walk away from the other. There is no other way about it. If one's walk is not correct, and yet persists in his folly, is he not showing contempt for his Creator? There is only one direction in life that is right, and that is the path towards the gateway of heaven. There is no other way about it. I pray that I will constantly walk down the right path in the right direction, without veering to the left or to the right. There is only one solid ground. Let me give up all things if they prevent me from attaining a relationship with my Lord. Let me draw closer to Him, now and forever.
Johnston
- One could tear in shame when we read this work by the poet Edward Sill.
- In pride our dues to God we spurn.
- Perhaps it's time we take a turn.
The Fool's Prayer- The royal feast was done; the King
- Sought some new sport to banish care,
- And to his jester cried: "Sir Fool,
- Kneel now, and make for us a prayer.
- The jester doffed his cap and bells,
- And stood the mocking court before;
- They could not see the bitter smile
- Behind the painted grin he wore.
- He bowed his head, and bent his knee
- Upon the Monarch's silken stool;
- His pleading voice arose: "O Lord,
- Be merciful to me, a fool!
- "No pity, Lord, could change the heart
- From red with wrong to white as wool;
- The rod must heal the sin: but Lord,
- Be merciful to me, a fool!
- "Tis not by guilt the onward sweep
- Of truth and right, O Lord, we stay;
- 'Tis by our follies that so long
- We hold the earth from heaven away.
- "These clumsy feet, still in the mire,
- Go crushing blossoms without end;
- These hard, well-meaning hands we thrust
- Among the heart-strings of a friend.
- "The ill-timed truth we might have kept--
- Who knows how sharp it pierced and stung?
- The word we had not sense to say--
- Who knows how grandly it had rung!
- "Our faults no tenderness should ask.
- The chastening stripes must cleanse them all;
- But for our blunders -- oh, in shame
- Before the eyes of heaven we fall.
- "Earth bears no balsam for mistakes;
- Men crown the knave, and scourge the tool
- That did his will; but Thou, O Lord,
- Be merciful to me, a fool!"
- The room was hushed; in silence rose
- The King, and sought his gardens cool,
- And walked apart, and murmured low,
- "Be merciful to me, a fool!"
Edward Sill
Now edited by professionals, or so I'd have you believe.
Lady
My life in shambles, lacking all and having nothing.
Ten years have passed, and past all point of living.
That love I came to know.
It was so long ago.
He said he would return for me come winter or spring.
Man
My life in riches, lacking nothing and having all.
Ten years have past, in slums I had to crawl.
That life I had to know.
It was so long ago.
But then, I left that scum-filled place forever and more.
Lady
Could it be him? That man there bears his likeness.
Ten years have past, now past this life of bleakness.
That love I came to know.
It was so long ago.
And now he has returned to me, his love still no less.
Man
Hello stranger, whose rotting rags house rats and lice.
Hello stranger, why look at me with those eyes.
Come take a coin or two.
And now be off with you.
To say you are a pretty sight would say you a lie.
Lady
We were in love, love being all and needing nothing
Be off with me? As if he were no longer caring.
Can you not recall my face?
Memories of me misplaced.
And as I walk away from him, my entirety despairing.
Man
And here I am, back to change the slums of my past.
So long ago I was freed from the chains of my caste.
The things that now I see.
Fragments of my memory.
Now times have changed, it is the things I've built that will last.
Lady
So long I've waited, now he knows me no longer.
So long I've waited, but now I wait no longer.
This dagger I now plunge.
This heart I will expunge.
To the marring darkness of despair, myself I render.
Man
And now I recall, the piteous dreg that I had seen
That lady in rags, the love of my life had been.
I once held her in my arms.
Shielding her from hurt and harm.
What have I done? Of thieves and murderers I am akin.
Lady/Man
We were in love, love being all and needing nothing.
He/She was my world, all else beyond comparing.
Mock this wretched life of mine.
He/She is not for me to find.
If there's not meager hope of love, life's not worth enduring.
Notsnhoj
Edited by Christopher Yang and Judith Ooi
Proverbs 1:7 - "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline."
Proverbs 1:8 - "Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching."
Proverb 1:10 - "My son, if sinners entice you, do not give in to them."
Proverbs 3:1 - "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart."
Proverbs 3:3 - "Let love and faithfulness never leave you, bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart."
Proverbs 3:5 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
Proverbs 19:11 - "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense."
Proverbs 19:18 - "Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party in his death."
Proverbs 19:21 - "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 20:19 - "A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much."
Proverbs 20:22 - "Do not say, 'I'll pay you back for this wrong!' Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you."
Proverbs 20:24 - "A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?"
Quiet the noises. Stop the squabbles. Do you not hear the sweet sound of laughter? Do you not feel its merriment and the peace that it brings? It soothes the giants and quells the raging waters in me. A lady's sonance. It speaks of tranquility, of tenderness, and of affection. Of love! I say. I hear her speak. Layoff with the hubbub. Listen to her. I am unhinged. Thrown into the turmoils of anxiety. I swim in its swirls and uncertainties. Do you not hear her melody? Let me find her. I know she is there. I sense her presence. Who is she? Let me see her face. I hear her. Silence now! Hide the children. Make the rounds. Track the sounds. Seek out her sanctuary.
And as I try to find out where, I am here, and she is there.
Notsnhoj
